Saturday, April 21


I don't know. It feels like I've been through a lot lately... I have mixed emotions - for my family, friends, work and lover. I feel guilty, sad, mad, tired, enthusiastic, in love and lonely.

I've been so guilty for being such a naughty daughter to my parents. I'm mad at myself because of that. I love 'em so much but I think we have never been so open to each other that they still don't know everything 'bout me. I'm their only child and I feel that's the reason why they restrict me on doing such things that I want. I feel guilty 'coz I've been doing what I know they don't want me to do. They're supposed to be the ones who can understand me, but it feels like whenever I tell 'em everything, they'll burst and probably me so, so mad at me. I don't want that to happen. That's the reason why I don't open things to 'em, they don't seem to even want to know. They don't let me.

I feel so sad about my friends, and guilty as well? I dunno. It's true that my social life has changed ever since I've worked. I can't do anything 'bout it. I only see my friends, especially my college friends, once in a blue moon. And I don't see my high school friends anymore. I miss all of them... I dunno how should I cope with it. I dunno how to be with 'em without affecting my work. But I really feel sad that I can't enjoy their company anymore. I hope days will come that we can be able to spend time with each other - chat, drink 'til death, do and say many crazy jokes! *sigh*

I'm tired working... It's not that I already surrender or what, but it feels like forever doing the things over and over again. I know that's what work is all about. I just feel stressed because our team is now way cycles behind. I've been doing everything, but it seems like it is not enough. Without side tasks, probably, I can help fully. Considering my workload, I don't do normal tasks like my other team members because I'm the Assistant Team Lead. However, I still love my job and I won't quit under these circumstances... Everything's a challenge. I wish all of us will take everything seriously. I just need a little more enthusiasm to deal with this feeling though. I know we can do it!

I feel lonely... So lonely and alone. Yes, I'm still very much in love, but there always comes a time when I feel so lonely... My baby tried to break up with me... again. I couldn't imagine that my baby would do it again, consecutively. My baby couldn't bear the pain anymore... It's quite unfair for me because I don't feel such a thing. I feel and I know the pain but I don't think about it. I don't because I just want everything to be dedicated to my baby. The problem is that my baby always tries to think about where future will bring us, which we both know where... It's sad to think about it that's why I tend not to. But my baby doesn't. Thinking about it made my baby burst which led to so much pain... saying let's end this. It's so much painful... My baby can do it right to my face now. I couldn't even do that. I've done that, but indirectly. Anyway, we're okay now... But I still feel sad... and afraid, maybe. Because I know that there are still possibilities that my baby would try to do such thing again, just to mend the pain. But how about my feelings? It won't mend... Not for a short nor for a long time. Because I'm in love, always will be.

These feelings I feel right now are all towards my loved ones that's why it's hard to put them all together. It's hard to resolve or relieve them. I don't even think how to react to everything. I honestly feel dead right now... But what's keeping me alive is love. Love, love, love. ♥

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